A realization becomes more known to me.
An admission is required now.
I am afraid to stop thinking. I am a Thought Beast, made of mind, and I watch myself move my own limbs like a puppet on strings. I trap myself, and I watch it happen, and I perpetuate it thus.
I fear the uncertainty of no mind.
I fear the silence, the phantoms of quiet darting as wisps, breath, energy, lightness. I refuse to allow the uncertainty to settle.
I fear being; that is, no planning, no expectations, no judgments, no theorizing, no projections. The monologue of mind ceases, and what do I become? I become, like I've never done.
I fear uncertainty because I still am attached to my life. That is, I fear death, loss, change, movement. I fear the end of myself as I am now and have always known. As I am now may not be ideal, but it is what I expect, it is what I am familiar with, and I know how to act in order to preserve myself in this familiar way. So change does not happen. I keep the mind rolling out thoughts to fill the space and silence, to keep this Thinking Me in place.
In silence is space, and in them both is breath and room to meet and know the Inner Beast beyond the Thought Beast.
What happens when the silence comes? What happens when the thoughts cease and I Be? I Am? I don't know. It is death of me as I know me. If my mind stops rambling and speaking to me, where do I go?
I become finally present in myself...
This is faith. This is faith that in death, there is life. There is eternal life. Life out of time. Life in the nothingness of silence and space.
I feel my fingers grappling to hold on to the Thought Beast. They claw into it. It's getting bloody and worn. I hold on so tenaciously.
But now I have admitted it. Now I move closer to letting it go.
Thank you for reading.
An implicit question, I imagine you'd ask, is "why should you want to not think in the first place?"
ReplyDeleteThinking has become inversely correlated with not doing for me. It has made existence very difficult because I have so many expectations, so many worries, so many judgments. So I think I know what will happen. I don't do it. I think about not acting in certain undesirable ways, and I in turn focus on the negative and make it my reality. I do not engage with the world and people around me, because there is thought as a thin barrier or veil which keeps me from actually being with my surroundings.
With the overbearing hand of the Thought Beast, I lack joy in my life. I feel unnatural. I feel calculated, dictated. I realized that "figuring things out" doesn't get me any closer to doing them, but actually farther away. And I don't become smarter for it, I in fact become more ignorant. I become convicted in thinking I know what will happen, though I can never know. So I become convicted in being indecisive. I don't do.
Thinking about me prevents me from knowing me and being me. And if I can't do that yet, I can't know and be with others. I can't embrace, love, be joyful with them. And to do those things is what I've determined to be the essence of life--the most worthwhile way to exist.
AH. Now thank you again for reading! I hope these insights spur something in you about yourself as well.
Clarification: "inversely correlated": The more I think, the less I do.
ReplyDelete